Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Adaptations

It feels like years since I wasn't having to adapt to a "new" set of circumstances. Nor am I finished with that just yet... yes, I am finally in a place where I have more than a couple drawers or half a closet, with a woman who isn't constantly checking my collars for lipstick and I spend my days seeking contact with my "spouse" instead of avoiding it.

But even that takes adjusting to... I have lived for so long under the microscope. Had to have an explanation for what I was doing, who I was talking to, why I cared. To be trusted takes adaptation as well. I start to explain my actions and I get that quizzical look, the one that says I am just sooooo silly.

One easy adjustment has been not having the bluetooth in my ear all the time. I've avoided it so much I don't even know where my bluetooth is. I mean, it isn't lost. It's here somewhere. I just don't have to pull it off the charger in the morning and then recharge it again in the early afternoon. I'm glad to know it isn't really a part of me.

I have not managed to adapt in a work sense yet. I will. I'm gonna have to do so in a hurry. But I have an office space set up now and I will soon begin to develop new work habits. I'm so used to waiting until the family goes to bed... and now that I actually want to be there when she goes to bed, that throws me off. Our time together is so precious to me that to squander it by voluntarily withdrawing seems the height of wastefulness. But I also know I work best in solitude.

The hardest thing is the distance from my kids. I never thought I would be without them. I fought so hard to save my marriage not because I truly wanted to be with my ex, but because I didn't want to be away from my kids. Now that they are so many miles away, I recall every moment I could have spent with them and didn't and beat myself up about it.

In seventeen days, I will be picking them up to fly back across the country with me for a week. That week is going too be a seven-bite slice of heaven.

So, my only constant is change. It is still gonna be that way for quite some time. But at least I feel the forward momentum. I don't feel like I am spinning my wheels anymore. I am out of the ditch and back on the road.

1 comment:

Alessia Brio said...

I love you, y'know.